Stupidity Unlimited.
But this is the real thing!
True story onboard a recent Northwest Airlines flight to Boston during
Hurricane Bob: The captain did his best to skirt the edge of the storm,
but it was a pretty rough ride just the same - rough enough that the
flight attendants were ordered to strap themselves into their seats for
about half an hour, and many of the passengers were putting the little
plastic-lined bags in their seat pockets to good use. When the
turbulence finally abated, the flight attendants unbuckled themselves,
and the captain's voice came on over the intercom: "Well, folks, that was
quite some ride, wasn't it! But we came through it fine, just the way we
always do, and I'm happy to report that it looks like the remainder of
our trip should be much calmer. On behalf of myself and today's flight
crew, I'd like to thank you very much for your calmness and cooperation,
and extend our best wishes for a pleasant stay in Boston." After a short
pause and several clicks, there came a few words more... "Jesus Christ -
whadda bitchin' ride! Boy - I sure could use a cup of good strong coffee
and a blow job right about now." As a stricken stewardess dashed up the
aisle to the cabin to inform the captain that his intercom was still on,
one of the passengers called after her: "Don't forget the coffee!"
Las Vegas, Nevada--The police say a man robbed a bank here and then casually doled out $100 bills to stunned bystanders,
cheerfully urging them to ``have a nice day.'' Officers arrested Ronald M. Chroniak, 46, on Friday shortly after the robbery of a Bank of America branch, the authorities said. When they found him, he was handing out money, they say. It all started when a man walked into the bank around noon and handed a teller a note demanding money. After receiving an undisclosed amount, he strolled out and, the police say, began sharing the booty. Alexander McNair said he was eating lunch in the bank courtyard when a man walked up and handed him a $100 bill. ``Where'd you get the money, man?'' Mr. McNair asked as he stared at the slightly crumpled bill. Mr. McNair said the man
told him: ``I just robbed the bank. Have a nice day.''
A hunter in Uganda is being sought by local authorities for illegally hunting gorillas. He shoots them with a tranquilizer gun and
dresses them in clown suits. So far six gorillas have been found wandering around in this condition. A Ugandan spokesman stated that this was a person with a truly sick sense of humor. They felt this was a cruel practice, since they had to tranquilize the gorillas again to take the suits off!
Depending on your profession, it appears that breasts can qualify as business assets--and depreciable ones at that.
Indiana exotic dancer Cynthia S. Hess, a.k.a. ``Chesty Love,'' claimed a $2,088 deduction in 1988 for depreciation on the
surgical implants that enlarged her bust to size 56FF. Special Trial Judge Joan Seitz Pate of U.S. Tax Court has allowed the deduction, ruling that the implants did indeed increase Hess' income and that the breasts are so large and cumbersome--about 10 pounds each--that they make her appear ``freakish'' and she couldn't derive personal benefit from them. Newsweek ran an update of the Chesty Love story in their last 1994 issue (George Will's column). Apparantly she recently slipped on a patch of ice and ruptured one of her implants. Talk
about quick depreciation.
LONDON, July 2 (Reuter)--A terrified British mother put police on red alert after mistaking the sound of lovemaking for a cry
for help from her daughter. The Independent newspaper said on [July 2] that two accidental phone calls woke the woman in
Devizes, southern England, in the small hours of the morning. Hearing moaning, groaning and shouting, she dismissed the first as
an obscene call, but in the second she recognised her daughter crying: ``Oh my God,'' and heard a man's voice. Convinced her daughter was being attacked in her bedroom 100 miles (160 km) away, she dialed the emergency number 999 and a police squad sped to the daughter's home to investigate. ``Officers rushed round and found she wasn't being attacked--in fact she was quite willing,'' a police spokesman said. ``They explained that during the moments of passion one of the couple [pushed an auto-dial button on their phone] with a toe. Unfortunately on both occasions it was the girl's mother's phone number,'' he said. ``This is a warning for other people--if you're going to indulge in this sort of thing, move the phone.''
The Arizona (U.S.) Highway Patrol came upon a pile of smoldering metal imbedded into the side of a cliff rising above the
road, at the apex of a curve. The wreckage resembled the site of an airplane crash, but it was a car. The type of car was unidentifiable at the scene. The boys in the lab finally figured out what it was, and what had happened. It seems that a guy had somehow got hold of a JATO unit, (Jet Assisted Take Off, actually a solid-fuel rocket) that is used to give heavy military transport planes an extra ``push'' for taking off from short airfields. He had driven his Chevy Impala out into the desert, and found a long, straight stretch of road. Then he attached the JATO unit to his car, jumped in, got up some speed, and fired off the JATO!! Best as they could determine, he was doing somewhere between 250 and 300 mph (350-420kph) when he came to that curve.... The brakes were completely burned away, apparently from trying to slow the car.
NOTE: Solid-fuel rockets don't have an ``off''... once started, they burn at full thrust 'till the fuel is all gone.
In November, Secret City revealed that the Canadian government has standards on ejaculation. The government had taken a
stand on ``excessive ejaculation.'' Secret City operative Harvey Blackman wrote a series of queries asking the government to explain its policies regarding what ideas are illegal to import into Canada. By law, the government had to respond. Secret City has discovered that not only does the Canadian government police images or sentences depicting ``excessive ejaculation,'' it also has standards for ``group ejaculation'' and ``bootlicking.'' The genuine memo for ``group ejaculation'' ... explains that simultaneous ejaculation by two or more people on one person is an illegal idea to import into Canada. The Canadian government also has a strict policy regarding ``bootlicking.'' You are not allowed to import ideas or pictures into Canada which depict ``bootlicking in a sexual context.'' According to Canada Customs Notice N-198, depictions of ``submissive acts such as the licking of another person's boot in a sexual context'' are not allowed into the country.
To help those who may be participating in illegal bootlicking or are worried they may import a sentence into the country which
contains an illegal bootlicking description, Secret City has provided both a legal and an illegal bootlicking sentence.
A) Illegal: Reform Party leader Preston Manning lovingly licked Jean Chretien's boots during question period.
B) Bootlicking sentence which meets Canadian government standards: As he tortured him the dictator forced the prisoner to lick his boots.
FORT LAUDERDALE, FL--A white supremacist wants permission to wear a Ku Klux Klan robe and be called "Hi Hitler" at his murder trial. Donald Leroy Evans is accused of strangling Ira Jean Smith, a Fort Lauderdale prostitute, in 1985. In motions filed Friday, Evans asked to be allowed to wear the KKK robe, and for his name to be changed on all court documents to ``the honorable and respected name of Hi Hitler.'' According to courthouse employees, Evans thought Adolf Hitler's followers said "Hi Hitler" rather than "Heil Hitler." Broward Circuit Court Judge Sheldon Schapiro did not immediately rule on the motion. Evans, 38, already has been sentenced to death for murdering and raping a 10-year-old homeless girl in Mississippi. Investigators are examining his claims that he killed 60 people in 21 states.
Nike has a television commercial for hiking shoes that was shot in Kenya using Samburu tribesmen. The camera closes in on the one tribesman who speaks, in native Maa. As he speaks, the Nike slogan ``Just do it'' appears on the screen. Lee Cronk, an anthropologist at the University of Cincinnati, says the Kenyan is really saying, ``I don't want these. Give me big shoes.'' Says Nike's Elizabeth Dolan, ``We thought nobody in America would know what he said.''
Frederick Koch lost count of the number of times he heard his name pronounced ``cotch,'' like the former mayor of New York. It was properly pronounced ``coke.'' He went to court in November and changed his entire name to Coke-Is-It. Now the Coca-Cola Company has gone to court to get Mr. Coke-Is-It to stop using the company's advertising trademark as his name. Court records list him as It, Coke-Is
(AKA Fred Koch). In December Coca-Cola filed an appeal of the judgement granting the name change in Windham County Superior Court. A
lawyer in Burlington who is representing the company was seeking to prevent Mr. Coke-Is-It from using the name until the appeal is heard.
That could take a year, a court spokesman said.
``We will not have him put down. Lucky is basically a damn good guide dog,'' Ernst Gerber, a dog trainer from Wuppertal told
reporters. ``He just needs a little brush-up on some elementary skills, that's all.'' Gerber admitted to the press conference that Lucky, a German shepherd guide-dog for the blind, had so far been responsible for the deaths of all four of his previous owners. ``I admit it's not an impressive record on paper. He led his first owner in front of a bus, and the second off the end of a pier. He actually pushed his third owner off a railway platform just as the Cologne to Frankfurt express was approaching and he walked his fourth owner into heavy traffic, before abandoning him and running away to safety. But, apart from epileptic fits, he has a lovely temperament. And guide dogs are difficult to train these days.'' Asked if Lucky's fifth owner would be told about his previous record, Gerber replied: ``No. It would make them nervous, and
would make Lucky nervous. And when Lucky gets nervous he's liable to do something silly.''
People who keep guns at home nearly triple their chances of being murdered, usually by friends or relatives, but fail to protect
themselves from intruders... However, Paul Blackman, research coordinator at the National Rifle Association, criticized the study... ``These people were highly susceptible to homicide,'' he said. ``We know that because they were killed.''
``The government must crack down on this disgusting craze of `Pumping','' a spokesman for the Nakhon Ratchasima hospital
told reporters. ``If this perversion catches on, it will destroy the cream of Thailand's manhood.'' He was speaking after the remains of 13 year-old Charnchai Puanmuangpak had been brought into the hospital's emergency department. ``Most Pumpers use a standard bicycle pump,'' he explained, ``sticking the nozzzle up their rectum and giving themselves a rush of air. Not only is that a sin against God, but it can be dangerous even for onlookers. Charnchai took it further still. He started using a two-cylinder foot pump, but even that wasn't exciting enough for him, and he boasted to friends that he was going to try the compressed air hose at a nearby gasoline station. They dared him to do it so, under cover of darkness, he sneaked in. Not realising how powerful the machine was, he inserted the tube into his body, and placed a 1 baht
coin in the slot. Of course, he died instantly, but passers by are still in shock. One woman though she was watching a twilight
firework display and started clapping. We still haven't located all of him.
``Pumping is the devil's pastime, and we must all say no to satan,'' he concluded. ``Inflate your tyres by all means, but then hide
your bicycle pump where it cannot tempt you.''
``I've made some weird arrests in my time, but this even beats the woman shoplifting with a rabid donkey for protection last
month,'' Sergeant Paulo Quadros of the Belo Ilorizonte police force told reporters. ``This time, it took twelve of us, including eight firemen, and we had to take a dozen floor boards into custody as well.'' Sergeant Quadros was answering questions about the arrest of Sergio De Sa, on charges of aggravated theft. ``De Sa is a glue sniffer, who steals from shops to feed his habit. On Saturday night he broke into the Gola Gola glue factory, but he lost control when saw the really good stuff and started inhaling directly from the vats. Of cause, he was overcome by fumes after one sniff and lost his balance, upsetting a vat of glue as he fell. By the time he came round, he was stuck to the floor and had to lie there helplessly until the workers turned up on Monday morning. They couldn't shift him and in the end, we had to get a powersaw
and cut round him. The factory owner lost a days production and he lost the skin off his back.''
``While we were charging him, he said it was worth it as Gola Gola Quickstix was the premier cru [sic] of glue. What is with
these people? Are they nuts? Last month we arrested another guy with tubes stuck right up both nostrils. He died in custody.
Someone called him Walrus face and he laughed so much he hemorrhaged.''
Terrible diet and room with no ventilation are being blamed for the death of a men who was killed by his own gas. There was no mark on his body but autopsy showed large amounts of methane gas in his system. His diet had consisted of beans (they said what kind; I forgot) cabbage (and a couple other things). It was just the right combination of foods. It appears that the man died in his sleep from breathing from the poisonous cloud that was hanging over his bed. The ME said, had he been outside or had his windows opened it wouldn't have been fatal but the man was shut up in his near airtight bedroom. He was ``...a big man with a huge capacity for creating [this deadly gas].'' Three of the rescue workers got sick and one was hospitalized.
When Jarrette Arlo Dean got bit by a rattlesnake, he bit back, and took the critter's head clean off. The snake head, severed from its body, bit him twice more before breathing its last. Dean, 44, who lives in the Blue Ridge Mountains, is recuperating at home after being hospitalized several days. ``They said it was a miracle he's alive,'' his 19-year-old daughter, Tina, said Saturday. Her father was in intensive care three days, she said. Doctors said Dean was in shock when he got to Rockingham Memorial Hospital ``and almost dead,'' according to his
daughter.
His family, which lives in a community called Naked Creek, doesn't know what possessed him to bite off the snake's head in the incident the previous Saturday. ``He said it had bit him first,'' she recalled, so he bit the snake. She said her father was riding his bicycle when he spotted the rattler, more than 3 feet long, and got off to catch it. ``He's not afraid of snakes,'' she said. Holding the snake in one hand, he continued his trip, but the snake bit him on the thumb and fingers, so he headed for a friend's house. When he got there, angry at being snake-bit, he retaliated in kind. But when he went to take the head out of his mouth, it bit him on the tongue and lip. In the house, his mouth began to swell, so a newphew drove him to the Elkton Emergency Squad, which took him by ambulance to the hospital. He was released Wednesday. ``He's doing pretty good right now,'' his daughter said, but doctors warned the treatment with anti-venom still will make him ``deathly sick.''
Her father could not speak for several days after the incident, but wrote on a piece of paper in the hospital that he intended to make a belt from the snake's skin. Unaware of his uncle's wishes, the nephew had thrown away the snake. He kept the rattle and the head.
Actual dialog of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employe:
"Ridge Hall computer assistant; may I help you?"
"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
"What sort of trouble?"
"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."
"Went away?"
"They disappeared."
"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
"Nothing."
"Nothing?"
"It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
"Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"
"How do I tell?"
"Can you see the C:\ prompt on the screen?"
"What's a sea-prompt?"
"Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"
"There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"
"What's a monitor?"
"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"
"I don't know."
"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"
"Yes, I think so."
"Great! Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."
"Yes, it is."
"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"
"No."
"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."
"Okay, here it is."
"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."
"I can't reach."
"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"
"No."
"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"
"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle-it's because it's dark."
"Dark?"
"Yes-the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."
"Well, turn on the office light then."
"I can't."
"No? Why not?"
"Because there's a power outage."
"A power... A power outage? Aha! Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"
"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
"Good! Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought
it from."
"Really? Is it that bad?"
"Yes, I'm afraid it is."
"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"
"Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer."
Actual article from the LA Times, 1996
"In retrospect, lighting the match was my big mistake. But I was only trying to retrieve the gerbil," Eric Tomaszewski and his homosexual partner, Andrew "Kiki" Farnum, had been admitted for emergency treatment after felching session had gone seriously wrong. "I pushed a cardboard tube up heis rectum and slipped Raggot, out gerbil, in", he explained. "As usual, Kiki shouted out "Armageddon", my cue that he'd had enough. I tried to retrieve Raggot but he wouldn't come out again, so I peered into the tube and struck a match, thinking the light might attract him." At a hushed press conference, a hospital spokesman described what happened next. "The match ignited a pocket of intestinal gas and a flame shot out of the tube, igniting Mr. Tomaszewski's hair and severly burning his face. It also set fire to the gerbil's fur and
whiskers which in turn ignited a large pocket of gas further up the intestine, propelling the rodent out like a cannonball." Tomaszewski suffered second degree burns and a broken nose from the impact of the gerbil, while Farnum suffered first and second degree burns to his anus and
lower intestinal track.
Here are 10 comments and questions arising from this article.
1. This happened in Salt Lake City. What kind of people are those Mormons? Should we now develop a whole new image of the Osmand family?
2. What kind of hospital would hold a press conference on this?
3. The name "Kiki" obviously is a Polynesian word meaning: "idiotic white men who insert rodents up their buts."
4. "First and second degree burns to the anus". Wouldn't this make the burning itch and discomfort of hemhorrhoids a welcome relief? How does one ever take a healty poop after something like that? And the smell of burning anus must be in the top five of most horrible
scents on the face of God's green earth!
5. There is something wrong with the idea of people who do this kind of thing and then admit what they were doing when taken to the Emergency Department. Most people would have made up a story about a gang of roving, pyromaniac, anal sex friends breaking into their house and sodomizing them with charcoal lighter before admitting the truth. Maybe it's old fashioned, but it's hard to imagine looking at a doctor and saying: "Well Doc, it's like this. See, we have this gerbil named Raggot and we took this cardboard tube..."
6. What about these people walking around with these volcanic-like pockets of gas in their rectums?
7. On top of it all, how about suffering a broken nose from a gerbil launched out of someone's anus? It's a guess, but it's seriously doubtful if said gerbil was spring time fresh after his little journey into Kiki's "tunnel of love".
8. We should pity that poor gerbil (who obviously suffers from low self esteem) being shot out of the guy's anus like Rocky the Flying Squirrel on Rocky and Bullwinkle.
9. "So I peered into the tube..." Aaaaaahhhhhhh!!! Sorry, but that's like looking through a telescope into hell. It would be better to stare the sun with binoculars.
10. "I pushed a cardboard tube up his rectum...". OUCH!!!
UPDATED ON NOV 29
Idiots in the Neighborhood:
I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer
Crossing sign on our road. The reason: Many deer were being hit by cars and he no longer wanted them to cross there.
Below are results of the Washington Post Style Invitational, in which readers were asked to come up with intriguing questions to be considered by President Clinton's special commission to study the moral and practical effects of cloning:
Are the pope and his clone both infallible?
What if they disagree about something?
Can you clone Alan Greenspan, or does it have to be LIVING tissue?
If Larry King clones himself and interviews himself on his show, wouldn't that pretty much make nuclear war something we could all look
forward to?
If I have sex with my clone, will I go blind?
If the DNA from the bloody glove were cloned and produced a baby O.J. Simpson, then could we maybe get an actual guilty verdict?
If Hare Krishnas start cloning themselves, how will the rest of us find out?
If you cloned Henry IV, would he be Henry V or Henry IV Jr. or wait, Henry IV part II?
If Michael Jackson is cloned, is it against the law for him to play with himself as a child?
Would there be a market for genetic "factory seconds" and "irregulars"?
Could they clone Al Gore, or would he have to be grafted?
OK, that's all for now. If you find more of the stupids, please send it to me and I will post them in here! Till there is stupid out there, you will find it in here. Take care.